How To Make New Friends Anywhere

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Making new friends is not something you need to worry about when you already have a great social circle with close friends. But what happens when your environment changes and you find yourself without any friends, or even without knowing anyone at all?

You can find yourself in the situation of having no close friends when you move to another city or country. It can even happen when you change work environment or when you change schools or colleges.

How do you make new friends and ensure that you’ll have a fantastic social relationship with everyone in your group? How do you earn yourself a good position in the social circle? You’re about to find out…



How To Win Friends & Gain Social Respect

How To Make Friends


As soon as people are put in a group environment there is a secret social system at play whose rules are followed automatically. People divide themselves into smaller groups with seemingly similar people. Cool people associate with ‘cool’ people. Nerdy people with other nerds. Sporty people with other sporty people. Birds of a feather flock together.

I think this social concept comes from our early caveman days when you were weak on your own but stronger in a group. You’ll see this social system at work in any group environment: school, college, work, sports, parties etc.

There is also always the hierarchy of leaders and followers. Certain people or a certain smaller group within the larger group environment will always assert themselves as the leader of the pack, and unless they are met by resistance from others, they will keep that position of power and leadership over the group for a long time.

This whole positioning and dissection of a group into smaller groups and leaders and followers happens rather quickly (within the first few days). This is very important to understand, because once you are placed into a certain category or stereotyped by the group as ‘cool’ or ‘nerdy’ or ‘friendly’ then that label sticks and it’s very difficult to break free from it.

That is why you can go through years of school/college/work as a ‘loser’ without many friends and without much of a social network, simply because you got placed into that category by the group early on.

It doesn’t have to be that way though, here are 2 simple rules you can use to make new friends anywhere you go:



Rule 1 – Lay The Foundations Immediately



The first rule of making friends in a new environment is to lay the foundations for your social network immediately and create a positive image for yourself within the group.

As I mentioned recently, your ‘label’ of where you fit into the group gets determined very quickly. Once that ‘label’ is given to you it’s very hard for you to change the perception of where you fit into the group, so if you’re labeled as a nerd or of low-value, it’ll be very difficult to rise to a position where everyone wants to be your friend or invites you to events. Even if you are a nice person, if you’re labeled as low-value by the group, others don’t want to be very social with you because association to a low-value person automatically lowers their own social value.

Note: You don’t need to be friends with everyone or be the most popular person in the group, but it definitely helps to be on friendly terms with everyone and be able to have lots of people to talk to when you’re in the mood.

Within the first day of being in the new group you should try to be as friendly as possible and talk to as many people in the group as possible. Guys, girls, nerds and cool people. Just go over, introduce yourself and have a 5 or 10 minute chat where you talk about your backgrounds or current situation.

In general, the more personal stuff you talk about with a stranger, the stronger the connection you make with them. Try to find a common interest and just have fun talking. Remember to provide value, so share a cool story or talk about something interesting, but don’t brag or come across as arrogant.

By talking to everyone in the group you will do two things:

1 – You’ll give everyone a better insight to your personality and who you really are. If you don’t talk to someone they will make an assumption of you, and this assumption can be very wrong. By talking to someone, they’ll get a much better impression of what you’re really like and you’ll influence their opinion of you to be more accurate.

2 – By talking to everyone, not only will you influence their opinions of you one by one, you’ll also create social proof. Others in the group will see you talking to everyone and will see you chilling and chatting, even laughing with lots of people in the group. This will create the perception that you’re this really friendly, outgoing and social person and will automatically give you high value and will benefit others from being friends with you and talking to you. In a group environment it’s always beneficial to be friends with (socially, physically and mentally) powerful people.



Rule 2 – Always Give Value. Don’t Take.



If you want to get people to like to and to be friends with you then you first need to show them that you give value of some sort, and not leech from them.

By following rule #1 of being social and talking to everyone in the group, you are already presenting yourself as a high-value person that would be beneficial for other people’s social status to be around. But being friendly and social is not enough to build friendships. You need to give before you can receive.

The value that you give doesn’t have to be materialistic or monetary value. You can provide value in many different forms like status value, high energy, positivity, inspiration, motivation, companionship (i.e. offering to join someone in an activity) etc.

The rule of reciprocity is one that is deeply engrained into society. If someone does something for you then you feel obliged to return the favor. For example if you invite people over to a barbeque at your place as a get-to-know-each-other event, you’ll very likely be invited to parties and events by everyone who you invited.

(With the rule of reciprocity, the returned favor can be equal but also much greater. You could do something for someone that costs you very little effort, and that person might return the favor by doing something that costs them a lot more effort.)

Don’t give value with the expectation or intention of getting anything in return, just know that you probably will get something in return. Give because you want to have fun and be friendly, not because you want to gain something.



Face Your Fears



I know it’s really scary to have to talk to strangers and to be put in a new environment where you don’t have a single friend. But you have to face that fear. You have to follow these 2 simple rules immediately if you want to have a good social network and if you want to make the process of making new friends much easier.

Real friendship takes time to grow and cannot be forced. All you can do is create the conditions that allow real friendship to form, and those conditions are made by laying the foundations early (getting to know everyone in the group) and by giving value to your interactions (Positivity, energy, knowledge,lend a helping hand, organize an event etc.).

You can even use these two simple rules to make friends in your current social group you’re in. It will definitely be harder to establish yourself as a social and high-value person if you’re not labeled as such by your current group, but with time and effort you can definitely achieve it.

Go out there and be friendly, talk to everyone, give value. Try not to come across as needy and desperate for their approval or friendship, because that’s not going to help you at all.

Good luck!


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  • Marco

    Making new friends is scary at first, but it can be a rewarding experience because you will increase your confidence in social situations (very important skill) and the guy/girl you just met can become your very best friend, your future business partner, can start a band… the possibilities are endless.

    And it doesn’t matter if right now you don’t have any friends, this doesn’t mean you’ll never make any friends, you just have to make efforts and be persistent, at first you may suck but if you keep going you’ll never ever will be a loner, wherever you are.

    Me… I used to be a loner in my first year of university, but on second-third year I made some good friends not by being a wallflower, but by “infiltrating” some groups and try to talk with them (of course, not all were that friendly), and now I have a decent number of friends in my fourth year.

    But the things that is missing in my friends circle are women (not that many in my friends group)… that’s the next step…

  • http://www.LNGerst.com Ellen Gerst

    This is a great article and I certainly can relate to it. I have utilized this concept many times in my life. When I was 15 years old, I had the opportunity to have (what I call) a “do-over.” You can read about it at http://www.scribd.com/doc/37940590/The-Do-Over-Part-I.

    I found out that it is others who place you in a box — who want to categorize you, whether or not it is where you belong or not. I liken it to when someone asks, “What do you do?” Firstly, I don’t like that question because I am not what I do. Secondly, this question is not asked because the person really wants to know what you do. They ask it so they can slot you into a category which they can understand better, for example, all engineers are analytical.

    So, when you are uncomfortable, feel unaccepted by a group (or even rejected on a date), it’s usually not about you. It can be the other person’s fear of something or someone different that might cause a ripple or pause for thought in his/her life. Realizing this can change your perspective and make you more comfortable in group situations.

    The suggestions in this blog are terrific ones to follow and I thank you for posting. I think the best advice is to smile! Think about the power of a smile. You will be surprised at all the people who smile back. Moreover, you can change someone else’s life with just your kind and welcoming smile.

  • Diggy

    Hey Marco,
    I totally understand where you’re coming from. I used to be a loner in high-school and I always used to think it was because there was nobody I could really relate to, but looking back I think it’s because I was just too quiet and didn’t go about talking to enough people to make friends.

    As I mentioned in the article, it takes time for true friendship to form, but every true friendship starts off through talking to a stranger.

    It is scary and takes courage to talk to strangers, but it’s something you need to do if you want to have a good social circle and make new friends.
    As for getting girls in your life, the same applies. You just need to go out and talk to girls, be friendly with as many as possible.

    Check out my course Simple Attraction Secrets, I’ll show you exactly how I went from shy to being able to talk to and get girls when you want.
    http://www.simpleattractionsecrets.com

  • Diggy

    Hey Ellen,
    Thanks for the kind words. I’m happy to hear you love the article:)

    You’re right, most people judge you by projecting their own fears and insecurities on you. If you appear to give off a certain vibe or trait that triggers someone’s fear or dislikes they’ll judge you as bad/stupid/nerdy etc. even if they don’t know you. Especially when they don’t know you, because that leaves a lot of room for imagination and jumping to conclusions.

    Smiling is golden. A simple smile can create friendships and brighten someone’s day. Thanks for mentioning that!

  • http://www.journeytopeak.com Jia Jun

    True Diggy~ Always take the initiative to talk with new people to show them we’re open for them to be friends, smile and be friendly, “old” people at that certain place will be happy to guide you through and lend a hand when you need.

    Dale Carnegie’s book: “How to win friends and influence people” should be able to help major on relationship issue.

  • http://www.sudospeak.com Christian Fey

    Rarely does one find a checklist of ways to make new friends from none. I’ve found that your first step truly is the key to making new friends. Regardless of the click you’ll find yourself in, being nice to people almost always gives back with a multiplier effect. I can’t even begin to think of how many friends I made because I simply said hi and engaged someone in a mere minute-long conversation. If you’re interested, move it to 5 and 10. The longer you speak without awkward pauses, the more compatible I’ve found you tend to be with the other person.

    I actually wrote a blog post on how to lead shy people, and my last step is trying to work with the person to push them outside of their comfort zone. Check it out if you have some time:
    http://www.sudospeak.com/managers/5-tips-for-managing-shy-people/

    Thanks for the post!

  • http://amberlittle.wordpress.com/ Amber Little

    I really like this post …I am always pretty shy around new people, and these are helpful tips I can actually learn from. Thanks and great job!

  • Diggy

    Hey Jia,
    Yeah that book is legendary although I’ve never read a copy, I’ve read extracts from it around the web.

    Do you find it easy to make new friends in a different environment? It’s something I’ve personally always struggle with and still need to consciously handle when I’m confronted with it.

  • Jia Jun

    Haha, to tell you the truth. I’m quite same as you, as a shy person, and a bit hard for me to take the initiative to knowing people.
    But through different activities, I need to work and team with different people around, and thus become a friend of mine in the process.
    I think the easier way is to start from knowing friend’s friend, then keep expand.
    Or online forum, social media to get to know people around that new environment and get their help to guide you into that environment and knowing people?

  • Diggy

    Hey Christian,
    Thanks for the comment man and I like your tips.

    It can be really hard to make new friends when you’re shy, because it’s just physically difficult to bring yourself to approach others and to put yourself in the center of attention. I can tell you though, that over time it gets easier, so the shyness is just something you have to push through by moving out of your comfort zone and approaching new people.

  • Diggy

    Thanks Amber :) I’m pretty shy around people too, although it’s better now than a few years ago.

  • Lewis LaLanne aka Nerd #2

    My word, the universe is out to serve me lessons today!

    This weekend my total lack of exercising my social muscle caused me to drop the ball big time this weekend with a woman I’d been looking forward to meet in person for weeks.

    This post is a wonderful resource for helping me get over my social anxiety! Thanks Diggy for dropping your knowledge here!

  • Gita

    It’s really useful article, because to make new friend is not easy for me…Thank you for information, I’ll use those powerful tips!

  • Diggy

    Hi Gita,
    You’re welcome :) Thank you for commenting!

    Making new friends can be very difficult, but it’s a great skill to have. Especially when you travel on your own.

    How did you make most of your friends?

  • http://www.healthylifestylesblog.co.uk/personal-development/10-personal-development-blogs-that-inspire-me/ 10 Personal Development Blogs That Inspire Me | Healthy Lifestyles Living

    [...] Article: How to Make Friends [...]

  • http://www.hundredgoals.com Steven@hundredgoals.com

    I’ve never been good at making friends, and the more I travel around the world, I see how where I was raised played a crucial role in why I am the way that I am. I’d never really noticed it before traveling, but now that I have, I’ve noticed that people in the northern portion of the United States are not very outgoing people. They tend to avoid eye contact, or saying “Hello” to people walking past.

    Now that I’ve seen how people operate in different regions and countries, I notice myself following my regional cultural norm of looking away from people when I pass them on the streets, and by avoiding small talk in casual situations. And now that I’m aware of this, I’m trying to change it…but still living in the same environment makes it challenging, as many people have the same habits as I do.

    And now that I recognize this in myself, it kind of pisses me off because there’s nothing that I’d like more than to have a lot of friends to spend time with, to hangout with and do cool things together. Instead, I’ve got a few close friends that I depend on…and not that it’s a bad thing, but I’d just like to expand my circle a little. Add some variety to my life a little.

    Maybe if I keep working at it, I’ll make some new friends!

  • Diggy

    Hey Steven,
    Thanks for the cool comment and sharing your experience. I know what you mean, it’s like western society conditions us to keep to ourselves and mind our own business…but it’s fun to make conversation with total strangers.

    Initially you’re going to have to push yourself to do it, but after a couple weeks you’ll notice that it becomes automatic and you just start making conversation with strangers everywhere. Sometimes it’s just a sentence but other times it can be full-flowing conversations that even turn into possible friendships.

    Good luck man, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon

  • anon

    What if you don’t have anything of value to offer, you’re not positive or funny or cute and you have unchangeable things about you that others avoid? I have a mental health issue and have slowly (and quickly) been ostracized and marginalized by society, lost nearly all the friends I did have and find it hard to make new ones because I don’t have money to take classes and things where I’m in a group and can talk about non-personal things. I do know not to talk about my issues, not to complain, to ask people about themselves, to flatter, etc, but once they find out I live in poverty and do strange things they don’t understand and don’t want to, nobody wants to be my friend. I live a lonely life now. Do you have tips for those of us low value low status people?

  • http://incompatiblewithlife.wordpress.com aek

    Hi Anon:

    First, I’m sorry that you suffer. My shoes are roughly the same size and shape, and I understand what ostracism is and what it does.

    I haven’t cracked the acceptance nut either, and I have largely stopped making attempts at meeting and being around other people because the resulting hurt is just too great.

    The only idea I can throw out for you to consider is to try volunteering at something you enjoy. Approach it from doing something that satisfies you, and then you’ll have at least one activity to look forward to. Making friends can be a side benefit, and it would be great if that happens. But if not, you’ll still have something of value for yourself, and you have your dignity always.

    Best-

    aek

  • lila lila

    Hi

  • diggy

    Hello Lila :)

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XRREUFJCGAY33TNBVAVSF7Y6RE RAJ

    good article I liked the point of getting the persons contact information. I find people are always kind of awkward doing this and I’ve started saying things like ‘I’d really like to see you again, I’ve enjoyed your company’ and met some new people doing it that way. I also watched this video which helped http://www.yourcharismacoach.com/episodes/no-friends-how-to-make-more-friends-episode-11/ and the accompanying article.

  • Gmac

    Yeh thats just the way it is, i wish i had have grown up in my dads home town instead of my moms as i think having at least 90% of my main family where my dad was raised and the people being more outgoing their would of made me a more lievly person today

  • http://www.upgradereality.com Diggy

    My pleasure!