I was reminded recently of a great technique to quickly calm children.  This is really the fastest way to calm a child, it is simple, extremely effective and also works for many children with special needs.

Calming Children

Put simply, you build empathy with the child by describing how the child must feel right now as accurately as you can.

This enables the child to completely express how they are feeling.  This is a major blocker for children who are still developing language and their expressive capabilities.  Naturally it is very frustrating not to be able to express how you feel and also to feel that no one understands you.

Once you allow the child to feel understood, this is so massively relieving for the distressed child that pain, frustration, anger, etc. simply disappear.  This can be done by accurately describing the emotions and facts from the child’s perspective:

• the pain
• the frustration
• the anger
• the sadness
• the hurt
• the thirst/hunger
• the cold
• the unfairness
• the actions
• the situation
• etc.  

Mirror the child’s emotions and viewpoint in words and you will find that the child will calm down then recover quickly.  Have a few  runs at it, use repetition and refinement.  Paint the full picture for them, this builds rapport.  Your goal is to state exactly how the child feels right now.  Be a little patient, and you will be rewarded.  I avoid using the word “I” at all.  because stories rarely have “I” in them, this story is all about the child and it is easy to accidentally make judgement statement like “I see you are upset” which sets you up for you being wrong.  If you are unsure what is wrong, you can ask the restate what they tell you.

Child: Finally someone understands me!!

As follow up, you may need to deal with the child’s feeling of safety and resolution.

Example:

If the child is hurt, accurately describe how the pain must feel.

• Child: (Crying uncontrollably)
• You: Your finger must really hurt.
• Child: (Crying)
• You: Is it this finger? (Explore)
• Child: It is my little finger and my hand.
• You: Your little finger and your whole hand hurts because it got squashed. (Restate)
• Child: Mary stepped on it.
• You:  Your little finger and hand got stepped on and now they both really hurt, especially your little finger. There is a graze too and it’s all red. (Restate)
• Child: Yes !  (Getting to yes is a good sign)
• You: And it does hurt so much when your hand and finger gets stepped on, it makes your whole hand really hurt. (Empathy)
• Child: Yes ! (Regaining control now that the situation is understood)
• You: Little fingers hurt so much when they get stepped on (Repeat again if needed or use a generic example)
• You: Provide security (hug/empathy) then suggest a band-aid.
• You: Now shoe, don’t step on that hand again (Personification and story telling can help too.)

Success rates and where to use

This is one for the tool-kit.  With a little practice, it is extremely effective  (expect 80%-100%).  Verbal Empathy is way more effective than Distraction and can be used for real pain, hurt and meltdowns.  It can be used with any child and doesn’t need any pre-existing relationship, so can be good to practice where you only occasionally mind a child.

Other areas to use

I originally saw this verbal mirroring technique used for children with anger management and concentration issues.  It was used to maintain states of calm and concentration for extended periods as practice for the child and to build empathy/rapport.  The adult would simply state the actions of the child as the child was playing.  Eg “Now you are moving the train, and you are making it go along the track.”  It can definitely also help build concentration and focus skills.

Final Tips

• Children don’t see the world as adults do.  Feel free to use personification like with my example of talking to the shoe.
• Calming a child who is either cold or hungry will only last a short time.  If in doubt, feed.

This really is an exceptionally fast way to calm a child even if they are in full melt-down.  I have even used it where I’ve caused the melt down by taking something away like a knife (for safety reasons) or chocolate before dinner.  Give it a try and let me know how you go.

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The following poem is Inspired by Mona Simpson’s eulogy for her brother Steve Jobs.

- – - o o o – - -

Journey

Life can feel like a journey, climbing towards some near or distant peak.

Celebration

The party on top making it worthwhile.  The lessons at the bottom appreciated later.

Inspiration

Inspiring goals, inspiring dreams.  Calling us on.

Energy

Driven by inspiration’s energy, achievement’s fire.

Novelty

Taking strength from the old, ever-thirsting for the new.

Challenge

Sometimes drowning

Hope

Breath is the spark

Choices

Circles to cycles

Connection

The whole is the part

Story

Chapter, character, series, setting, epoch, epic

Death

Find me mid-ripping-yarn.

- – - o o o – - -

Life may seem like a continual pursuit of peaks, but stories are more easily shared, so thinking of life like a bunch of exciting stories is a view which is more present and allows a whole community to share in creative joy challenge and experience.

Inspired by Mona Simpson’s eulogy for her brother Steve Jobs.  (Well worth reading)

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One of the most popular posts on UpgradeReality is Diggy’s Bucket-list.  The funny thing is that while it is good to do a bucketlist and I have one myself, I just realized, that I have never treated mine as a bucket list – IE that the deadline is death.  I know Diggy doesn’t either because of the number of things he’s ticked off on it.  For most of our lives, death is just not urgent enough, and actually, having a list can actually be a distraction.

Yes, it’s time for change again, and today is the calm before the storm.  Looking back over my bucket list and achievements through the last 18 months, I am amazed at what I (and we – as a family) have been able to achieve and savor.  My focus has included a good component of food including self-sufficient and unusual gourmet - themes for another time – but despite a bucket list, it is not my my list which has pulled them through.

Pain Point

Think of something which is an ongoing pain for you.  Something that niggles at first, but continually annoys you.  Think of how it builds from annoying to painful until you simply can’t live with it any longer.  This is a critical pain point.  At some point, all your focus turns to it until it is gone because you have to get it out of your life!!!  Once you get to this point, isn’t it funny how something which has been hanging around for weeks or even years gets eliminated in a much shorter time than what you thought?

Passion Point

Now think of something you want to do.  Sure there are lots of things you could do, but think of just one thing you will do.  Check if it is something which is a dream/intention or if it is something you know you really can achieve in a reasonable time.  If you are not certain, then keep the time the same, but break your goal in half.  If you still are not certain, break it in half again and again until you reach the point where you know you can achieve your much smaller goal in a reasonable time.

Now let your energy go into feeling how horrible it would be if you don’t do it – if you are too lazy, or something stands in your way.  Now think of how great will feel when you are on top of the world having done it – smashed through the barriers and achieved your only goal in this moment of your life.  Dwell on it for a few moments and raise your internal energy to the point that you can not live without achieving your one goal.  Raise your energy until you can hardly sit still any more, but keep raising it until you simply have to achieve it you are in in a fury, it must get done, it will get done !!!  and you know it.

Bucket lists are for intentions,  they are OK, for the long term for setting intentions and fun to review, but basically useless for today, now your daily life and how you live it.  Do them once a year or decade, but try Passion Points for completion.

Ramon

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It might seem odd, but sometimes the simple thought of “I am somebody” is hard to hold onto.  The day to day can take over and push us through life in a dream like state and we only wake occasionally to realize that another year has gone by without much to mark it by.  Holding onto the thought “I am someone of value” can be even harder, because even if  someone told us each day, unless they were exceptionally creative, eventually after the 10,000th time (only 27 years) it would start to get repetitive and we might question if they really meant it.

The only answer is to know yourself that you are someone, someone valuable.

Here are some thoughts that will help if you sometimes feel less than valued than you deserve.

Do you measure your value by what you give or what you receive? Picture organizing a get-together with friends.  Everyone enjoys themselves, including you, but you did more work organizing.  So you did more work for the same amount of enjoyment.  Alternately, if you also take pleasure in the fact that your friends had a good time then you did more work, but for 5 or 10 times the enjoyment!  (You also most likely improved some skills and made better connections with people but that’s another story).  Organize something!!!

Do you know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?  You can truly know this is the case by thinking of the love that a parent has for a child.  No matter how ugly, or imperfect the child is, the parent still loves them and sees their inner beauty.  Perhaps it is in the child’s movement,  their perception of detail or a special understanding the child shows in a moment of pain.  This will help if you in any way envy the lives of the beautiful people from TV / BHollywood or if you feel that you are not good looking enough to be noticed.  Remember that people see only what they are capable of seeing.  Stand out for the people who are more capable of seeing by being your best self.

Nobody is nobody. Everyone in the world has something to make them valuable.  I have been thinking about this quite a bit recently because I am changing my views on self-sufficiency and independence.  Previously, I thought more along the lines that self-sufficiency and independence were admirable and signs of strength, but I am now more thinking that seeing yourself as an integral part of a community web is better.  This means that even the lowest of the low has value because they are part of a web of relationships, perspectives, skills, etc that bind us all together which helps us all along the path of growth and advancement.

Fashion is fickle and transient and basically a waste of time, but style is a statement and an art form.  After the last world war, people were so sick of seeing skinny people that the fashion was for a fatter look.  Fashion is designed to change so people upgrade their wardrobes/music/sunglasses/etc regularly and it works on a simple principal which I heard explained last weekend.  In essence, people get used to a look or sound then first come to miss it before becoming bored of it.  So if you hear a song on the radio enough or if you see a certain style in the magazines enough, you get used to it and are inclined to go and buy it.  Yes, it’s that simple.  Then you throw it away.  The promoter makes a deal with the publisher/radio station for regular coverage and the look/song becomes popular.  Alternative: Make your own timeless style and be confident in yourself.  This way, you will always stand out.

Do you work with children?  If you work with children, the fact is that there is a 20-50 year delay before they say thank you.  This has nothing to do with how much they value you, it is just a fact of life.  If you are a teacher/parent/nurse/cleaner/helper/guide, just keep this in mind and smile knowing that the children you are helping appreciate your help in a way they cannot yet express.  The are building it into themselves – into their bones – and although it will take time, eventually they will acknowledge you for being part of their lives.

Are you missing a special relationship?  Try this piece of controversial advice.  Try giving up all hope of a relationship – yes, just forget the need to meet someone completely.  Remain open though,  and decide to become more you than you.  Here’s why – Firstly, being more you than you is about following your interests and getting out there actually doing more of the things you know and feel you should do.  Put in that little bit more effort and you will know in yourself that you are making an above average contribution either to yourself or to the community (or both).  You will know that you are someone of value and are somebody who is growing and contributing.  This makes you stand out in a way that highlights your inner qualities making you more likely to meet someone new.  On the other hand, continually thinking about your missing relationship is only going to bring you down.  People see this in you as sadness or being needy.  Be more you than you starting today!!!

What would you plan for you if you were your own best friend?  Have a think, and go and do it.

Always remember from the first minute of the day to when you go to sleep that you are someone, somebody of value.  Acknowledge it yourself and know that

Nobody is nobody, and You are Awesome!

Ramon

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Being the first is a powerful way to build relationships.  and it is as simple as committing to being the first in some critical areas that help relationships grow.  The reason being the first is so powerful is because when you take certain positive actions, the natural reaction is a synchronous positive action.  Like an automatic motivation for whoever you are talking with or in a relationship with to become a better person using you as a role model.

Now being the first is not easy, but here are a few areas where you can start.  they are all really simple and will have a profound effect on all of your relationships.

Be the first to …

Be the first to smile – Smiling elicits smiles

Remember and use someone’s name – people love hearing their own name and it automatically makes them want to remember yours which is good for relationship building.

Extend a hand or hug – sometimes people feel uncomfortable or seem unsure.  Be sure in your actions and it will help those around you feel comfortable with you and want to spend more time with you.

Be the first to forgive – This can be a little hard sometimes, but you need to decide if it will or won’t happen.  if it will or even could, then be the first even if it takes the other person more time to come around.

Say Hello – Super simple, but making the first move means people know you are friendly, outgoing and this shows you in a positive light.  They also know that you will say Hi and be friendly, so they will be on the lookout for a chance next time to brighten your day.

Pay a compliment – Easy really, but it can seem tough.  Worst case, comment on someone’s looks, best case, tell them how they make you feel (good).

Pickup rubbish – Sure you can ignore it and I’m not one to advocate that we all dedicate our lives to garbage collection, but every little bit helps and someone has to be the first.

Do the chores – Doing your share of the household chores is shown to improve relationships.

Break out of the norm – Norms, generational issues and peer group pressures are really hard to break out of or even notice sometimes.  If you feel uncomfortable with your lot in life, have a look around you and see if there are any norms that are holding you back and break them.

Share your knowledge – Sharing knowledge is how societies become stronger.  You also learn by sharing knowledge.

Success loves speed and a great way to attract success is simply to be the first and make the first move.  Be generous with others and life will be generous with you.

Ramon

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