I was reminded recently of a great technique to quickly calm children.  This is really the fastest way to calm a child, it is simple, extremely effective and also works for many children with special needs.

Calming Children

Put simply, you build empathy with the child by describing how the child must feel right now as accurately as you can.

This enables the child to completely express how they are feeling.  This is a major blocker for children who are still developing language and their expressive capabilities.  Naturally it is very frustrating not to be able to express how you feel and also to feel that no one understands you.

Once you allow the child to feel understood, this is so massively relieving for the distressed child that pain, frustration, anger, etc. simply disappear.  This can be done by accurately describing the emotions and facts from the child’s perspective:

• the pain
• the frustration
• the anger
• the sadness
• the hurt
• the thirst/hunger
• the cold
• the unfairness
• the actions
• the situation
• etc.  

Mirror the child’s emotions and viewpoint in words and you will find that the child will calm down then recover quickly.  Have a few  runs at it, use repetition and refinement.  Paint the full picture for them, this builds rapport.  Your goal is to state exactly how the child feels right now.  Be a little patient, and you will be rewarded.  I avoid using the word “I” at all.  because stories rarely have “I” in them, this story is all about the child and it is easy to accidentally make judgement statement like “I see you are upset” which sets you up for you being wrong.  If you are unsure what is wrong, you can ask the restate what they tell you.

Child: Finally someone understands me!!

As follow up, you may need to deal with the child’s feeling of safety and resolution.

Example:

If the child is hurt, accurately describe how the pain must feel.

• Child: (Crying uncontrollably)
• You: Your finger must really hurt.
• Child: (Crying)
• You: Is it this finger? (Explore)
• Child: It is my little finger and my hand.
• You: Your little finger and your whole hand hurts because it got squashed. (Restate)
• Child: Mary stepped on it.
• You:  Your little finger and hand got stepped on and now they both really hurt, especially your little finger. There is a graze too and it’s all red. (Restate)
• Child: Yes !  (Getting to yes is a good sign)
• You: And it does hurt so much when your hand and finger gets stepped on, it makes your whole hand really hurt. (Empathy)
• Child: Yes ! (Regaining control now that the situation is understood)
• You: Little fingers hurt so much when they get stepped on (Repeat again if needed or use a generic example)
• You: Provide security (hug/empathy) then suggest a band-aid.
• You: Now shoe, don’t step on that hand again (Personification and story telling can help too.)

Success rates and where to use

This is one for the tool-kit.  With a little practice, it is extremely effective  (expect 80%-100%).  Verbal Empathy is way more effective than Distraction and can be used for real pain, hurt and meltdowns.  It can be used with any child and doesn’t need any pre-existing relationship, so can be good to practice where you only occasionally mind a child.

Other areas to use

I originally saw this verbal mirroring technique used for children with anger management and concentration issues.  It was used to maintain states of calm and concentration for extended periods as practice for the child and to build empathy/rapport.  The adult would simply state the actions of the child as the child was playing.  Eg “Now you are moving the train, and you are making it go along the track.”  It can definitely also help build concentration and focus skills.

Final Tips

• Children don’t see the world as adults do.  Feel free to use personification like with my example of talking to the shoe.
• Calming a child who is either cold or hungry will only last a short time.  If in doubt, feed.

This really is an exceptionally fast way to calm a child even if they are in full melt-down.  I have even used it where I’ve caused the melt down by taking something away like a knife (for safety reasons) or chocolate before dinner.  Give it a try and let me know how you go.

One of the most popular posts on UpgradeReality is Diggy’s Bucket-list.  The funny thing is that while it is good to do a bucketlist and I have one myself, I just realized, that I have never treated mine as a bucket list – IE that the deadline is death.  I know Diggy doesn’t either because of the number of things he’s ticked off on it.  For most of our lives, death is just not urgent enough, and actually, having a list can actually be a distraction.

Yes, it’s time for change again, and today is the calm before the storm.  Looking back over my bucket list and achievements through the last 18 months, I am amazed at what I (and we – as a family) have been able to achieve and savor.  My focus has included a good component of food including self-sufficient and unusual gourmet - themes for another time – but despite a bucket list, it is not my my list which has pulled them through.

Pain Point

Think of something which is an ongoing pain for you.  Something that niggles at first, but continually annoys you.  Think of how it builds from annoying to painful until you simply can’t live with it any longer.  This is a critical pain point.  At some point, all your focus turns to it until it is gone because you have to get it out of your life!!!  Once you get to this point, isn’t it funny how something which has been hanging around for weeks or even years gets eliminated in a much shorter time than what you thought?

Passion Point

Now think of something you want to do.  Sure there are lots of things you could do, but think of just one thing you will do.  Check if it is something which is a dream/intention or if it is something you know you really can achieve in a reasonable time.  If you are not certain, then keep the time the same, but break your goal in half.  If you still are not certain, break it in half again and again until you reach the point where you know you can achieve your much smaller goal in a reasonable time.

Now let your energy go into feeling how horrible it would be if you don’t do it – if you are too lazy, or something stands in your way.  Now think of how great will feel when you are on top of the world having done it – smashed through the barriers and achieved your only goal in this moment of your life.  Dwell on it for a few moments and raise your internal energy to the point that you can not live without achieving your one goal.  Raise your energy until you can hardly sit still any more, but keep raising it until you simply have to achieve it you are in in a fury, it must get done, it will get done !!!  and you know it.

Bucket lists are for intentions,  they are OK, for the long term for setting intentions and fun to review, but basically useless for today, now your daily life and how you live it.  Do them once a year or decade, but try Passion Points for completion.

Ramon

I regularly go into the bush, so often find rubbish.  Usually I am able to take it and dispose of it, but sometimes, we find too much and cannot take it home.  I used this manifestation this morning, and had it work within 60 minutes.  It is a good one for environmentally-minded people who collect too much rubbish to take home.

Tested manifestation:

I want someone to pick up and dispose of this rubbish [neutral statement of fact]

I am so pleased that I know that someone is coming to collect this rubbish. [feel pleased to know]

I am so pleased that I know this person is not frustrated when they find this rubbish [feel pleased for them]

They will know that someone did as much as they could. [feel pleased with yourself]

They will know that they are in a good position to complete disposal. [feel pleased for their good situation]

And then we will both be pleased together. [feel pleased for your teamwork that between you you got rid of this rubbish from the bush]

I specifically put in the absence of frustration because I feel that there is no point in being frustrated when you find rubbish in the bush.  Complaints and frustration never change the fact that it is there, you can only change facts before they occur.

You should be able to change the words as you like, it is the feeling which is important.

Happy manifesting

Ramon

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The Mechanics of Manifestation

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Changing your day is easier than you think. A year ago, I implemented this tip to turn those days that go down the drain with barely a gurgle into rocket fuel where I get heaps done and made great progress.  What I needed was a way to fix those days where I get stuck in a rut and get the day back on track.

Here’s What I Did :« Continue »

The first thing people think of when you talk about being a player is playing around with the opposite sex, but being a player really means having the option to play the field.  Once you know how to position yourself and create options for yourself, then you know how to build better relationships, how to get more of what you want and how to make more money.

Being a player is completely different from being the best.  Being the best at something always comes after being a player and is much more focused.  Being the best is really tough and while being a player takes effort, it is much easier.

Think of being the best as being in the top 1%-5% in one thing whereas being a player is positioning yourself in the top 10%-5% across a few areas.

Aiming for player recognizes that while you can influence the decisions of others, it is impossible to completely control them.  Being a player means being in the top 10% in the areas you decide.  Because it is broader, it is also possible to decide to be a player in several key areas of your life where it is hard to be the best in more than one or a few if very closely related.

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